Bad Guys...With a Twist!, The
by MateriaGirl
Summary: Come see a side of them you've never seen before!


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The Bad Guys…With a _Twist!_

Rufus Shinra: A Plumber's story

Rufus Shinra sat on a fluffy sofa that had red hearts and blue teddy bears on it, at exactly 3pm at Shrina Corp. Elena walked briskly into Rufus' room. She sighed.

"Sir, I thought you said you would sell that sofa." Elena sighed.

"Well, it's none of your business whether I sell it or not!" Rufus snapped. "Besides, Mummy got it for me." 

Elena sighed, "Well, alright." She walked up to the TV and gawked. "SIR?!"

"Uh…I was…just about to change the channel." Rufus panicked. He searched around the sofa for the remote. "…Where is that blasted remote?!" Elena picked up the remote from Rufus' feet right at the end of the sofa, and handed it to him. "…Oh, yes…"

"Sir, I strongly advise you to stop watching the Power Rangers all the time." Elena sighed. 

"Well, that's none of your business, either! Now why are you interrupting me anyway?" Rufus asked.

"Well, our stocks are going low. And our hired thieves aren't stealing the gils we need. I'm afraid we're going-"

"Don't you even dare to say that word!" Rufus snapped. "We can't be going-" Just then, sinister music started playing. "BANKRUPT!"

"Yes, sir. I'm afraid it's true. We are going-" Sinister music. "BANKRUPT!"

"Isn't there anything we can do to stop going-" Sinister music. "BANKRUPT!"

"Yes. There is one thing we can do to stop going-" Sinister music. "BANKRUPT!"

"Well what is your idea to stop going-" Sinister music. "BANKRUPT!"

"We could-"

"I hope your not saying that word this time because that sinister music really hurts my ears." Rufus interrupted.

"No. Sorry. But we can…The Shinra corp. can be divided." Elena shuddered.

"WHAT?!" Rufus yelled. "DIVIDED!?!"

"Yes sir. Didn't you hear me or are you just deaf?" Elena asked, simply.

"…But why?" Rufus sobbed. "Out of all the evil corporations out there, Shinra has to be the first to go…" 

"Dividing isn't that bad, sir. I'm sure we can all find a way out of this!" Elena sighed, she walked out of the room, slamming the doors behind her.

Rufus sniffed, "Fine. Tomorrow, I shall decide the Shinra corp. jobs that will go out to my most loyal subjects."

The next day, Rufus told Reno, Elena, Rude and Tseng to come into his room. Rufus was holding 5 slips of paper.

"What's the news, Rufie?" Reno asked.

"Well, I have your dividing jobs here! It took me a long time to think of them!" Rufus explained as he handed them out.

"I'm a…baker?" Elena shuddered. "I've never baked in my life!"

"WELL LEARN!!!" Rufus yelled. 

Reno opened his paper and shrieked, "I'm helping with THE GOBLINS ON GOBLIN ISLAND?!?…Who are they exactly?"

"The warty people…Remember? The contract is already signed. They're expecting you sometime around 5pm." Rufus explained. 

Rude gasped, "I'm working with Choco Billy?!"

"Isn't that nice? You get to be surrounded by furry animals!" Rufus giggled.

"Ha Ha!" Tseng laughed.

"Then what did you get?!" Rude yelled.

Tseng opened his paper and sighed, "I'm a garbage picker…"

"Chocobo's are furry!" Rude laughed.

"SHUT UP!!" Tseng yelled.

"Hey, Rufie!" Reno began. "What did you get?"

Rufus carefully opened his paper. "I'm the creator of toilet training-"

"You're a mama?" Elena asked.

"NO!" Rufus yelled. "I work on all goings in and comings out of the pipes-"

"You can…swim?" Reno asked, cluelessly.

"NO!" Rufus yelled. "I can handle the watery situation-"

"You're acting as a wooden dam?" Tseng asked.

"NO!" Rufus yelled. "I am not afraid to swim…"

"So you are a swimmer?" Rude asked.

"NO! NO! NO! YOU DIMWITS!! I…AM…PLUMBMAN!" Rufus hollered.

"Who's that?" Reno asked.

"I'm a plumber, you idiot!" Rufus sighed, sarcastically. "But, I still want each and everyone of you to do a good job today. Earn money and be nice to your customers! But mostly the money part!"

Rufus got a call instantly for his plumbing job. "Instant money!" He snickered. "Hello?…Yes, This is R-, I mean, Robert Sh-, Shinara! Yes, I'm Robert Shinara, your plumbing aid…At where?…I'll be on my way!" Rufus hung up the phone. He gasped, giggled, burst out laughing. "Well, this is a riot! AVALANCHE HQ. Called ME Rufus, I mean, Robert Shinara for a plumbing job! Now, I'll see their next plan! And they won't have a clue it's me!" He quickly jumped into and old, stained shirt and ragged blue overalls his mother once used to clean up the puke on the kitchen floor with and walked out the door with a sac full of tools.

He walked up the stone pathway to AVALNCHE HQ. And knocked on the door. A very soaked Cloud opened the door. "Plumber!" Rufus smiled.

"Get in!!" Cloud yanked Rufus inside the house and pointed his 'big, butter knife' at Rufus. "Up the stairs! East hallways! First door on the right! I tried to fix it, but You are the expert!"

"I am?" Rufus asked. Cloud glared at him. "I mean, I AM!"

Cloud showed Rufus what looked to have been a fish bowl. "You'll need this." Cloud turned it upside down and placed it on Rufus' head.

"Thank you…" Rufus entered the room that was flooded with water from the ceiling to the floor. He 'swam' to the toilet that was clogged with something. He quickly brought out a wrench and began to yank at the pipes. Suddenly, he yanked too much and the pipe busted open. The water sprayed even more. Uh oh…Rufus thought. He quickly grabbed his handkerchief out of his pocket and stopped the pipe from leaking. He brought out his plunger and plunged down in the toilet. A comb came out of it. Rufus flushed the toilet and all the water got sucked back into the toilet. 

Rufus walked out, completely soaked holding the comb.

"MY COMB!!" Cloud hollered.

"…Well…No problem! What do I get paid?" Rufus grinned.

"You get paid-" Just then, water was heard gushing through the bathroom and it seemed to be coming from a pipe! And pretty soon, the handkerchief blew up in the air and the water flew out of it! It filled the whole bathroom from ceiling to floor…again! Cloud grumbled as he shut the door, "NOTHING!! YOU ARE A FAKE!! GET OUT! GET OUT!!"

Rufus sighed as he walked out of the AVALANCHE HQ. "I didn't get their plan!…And I didn't get paid!!" He sobbed. Then he sniffed, "Stupid AVALANCHE! Can't ya help a villain who needs money?" He walked back to the Shinra corp. where he saw Rude, Elena, Reno and Tseng standing there. "Any money?" He asked.

"No one paid for the baked goods!" Elena grumbled.

"There's no money in garbage picking these days!!" Tseng grumbled.

"The goblins nearly murdered me…" Reno grunted.

Rude sneezed, "I'm allergic…to chocobos…" Out of nowhere, a stretcher came along and Rude fell on it. They rushed him away to the hospital.

Elena grumbled as she walked up to Rufus, "You should've just sold the sofa…"

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Sephiroth's _Cosmetic _Touch!

A man travelling in a cloak was holding a basket worth of goods. He approached the AVALANCHE HQ. With caution and when he got to the door, someone opened it.

"Hello? Are you the salesman I called?" Tifa asked.

"Yes…" The man replied. "May I come in?"

"Oh sure!" Tifa exclaimed, bouncing up and down. The man walked in, his head to the ground. As he ran up the stairs, somewhat strands of silver hair flew behind the cloak. Tifa shrugged as she caught up to him. "You…seem awfully familiar. Haven't-"

"STOP COMPARING ME TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW!!!" The man yelled, flailing his hands around frantically. He soon calmed down and cleared his throat. "So sorry."

"…uh-huh…" Tifa replied. They arrived at the main room, with everyone waiting impatiently.

"So that's the guy? Wonder what he's selling?" Cloud mumbled to Yuffie.

"Hope he's got some Materia on hold!" Yuffie grinned.

"Well, what have you got to sell?" Tifa asked.

"Well…" The man said. "It's best first if you know my name…Since I will be coming here for the next 2 weeks, signed contract by Tifa Lockhart-" Everyone glared evilly at Tifa.

"What? It was an honest mistake…" Tifa shuddered.

The man chuckled, "Anyhow, My name is-"

"What?"

"My name is-"

"Who?"

"My name is-"

"Ch-"

"WOULD YOU PEOPLE PLEASE SHUT UP!!! I AM NOT GOING INTO CHORUS WITH THAT SONG AGAIN!!!" The man yelled. "My name is…" The man took off his cloak to reveal his sparkling long silver hair. "SEPHIROTH!!"

"Sephiroth…" Barret growled.

"YOU are selling my cosmetics?" Tifa grumbled. 

"Great, Tifa! Now you got us 2 weeks with this loser!" Yuffie grumbled.

"LOSER?!?" Sephiroth yelled. "…Well, I won't even bother. Tifa, dear…I have some new subscriptions to…AVON MAGAZINES!!"

"AAAAHH!!" Tifa yelled, with joy. "What did you get me FROM the magazine?"

"…Body lotion, Eyeliners and mascara!" Sephiroth chorused.

"REALLY?!" Tifa asked.

"Would I ever lie?" Sephiroth grinned. Tifa looked at him puzzled. "OKAY I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR IT!!…I also got you 50 different shades of nail polish!"

"What shades?" Tifa asked.

"Can you say TOTALLY STRAWBERRY?" Sephiroth asked.

"Ohmigawd! That shade is, like, so totally extinct!! Where did you, like, get it?" Tifa giggled.

Sephiroth giggled, "I have my ways…"

"I'll take them ALL, Sephy! All of them!!" Tifa laughed. "See ya tomorrow!!"

Sephiroth left AVALANCHE and came back the next day, depressed.

"So…Sephy! What have you got for me today?" Tifa asked.

"Well, I've come to tell you that…I got a bigger, BETTER job at a factory that I am the boss of…It's called 'Sephiroth Cosmetics Inc.' So I shall no longer need your pathetic excuse for money making schemes, Tifa. So sorry. Bye-bye!" Sephiroth babbled. He quickly walked on to a coach led by 2 green chocobos. "Nice doing business with you!" And with that, he rode away!

Sephiroth arrived with style as the coach stopped. I wonder what kinds of workers the T.U.R.K.S. got me! Sephiroth thought. He opened the doors to find a chair with a long walkway, a few side chairs, a bench, a picnic table and a door at the north end. Other than that, the room was moldy and dirty, dusty and practically breaking apart! "THIS…IS…MY…FACTORY!?!?!" Sephiroth yelled. Just then, The T.U.R.K.S. came barging in, with a sac behind them. "What kind of factory did your lame excuse for a boss give me!?!" Sephiroth yelled.

"Well, it was the only one he didn't want to waste his money on…He bought this one for…0.1 gils." Elena explained.

"In other words, it didn't cost him a gil!" Rude stated.

"WELL, I NEED WORKERS!! WHERE ARE MY WORKERS?!?" Sephiroth asked. 

"Right here, Sephy!" Reno and Tseng stated, opening the sack, as a measly yellow chocobo stepped out.

"IS THAT THE ONLY WORKER WE COULD AFFORD FOR MY COSMETIC COMPANY!?!" Sephiroth yelled.

"Well, the rest were dying…" Tseng choked, trying to hold back laughs.

"DYING OF WHAT?!?" Sephiroth asked.

"Of…laughter, sir…" Tseng replied. Minutes later, the T.U.R.K.S. were all rolling on the hard floor with laughter…Luckily, they weren't dying.

"IMPUDENCE! WHAT IMPUDENCE! I CAN'T RUN A FACTORY WITH ONE WORKER!!" Sephiroth commanded.

"WELL LEARN!!" The T.U.R.K.S. yelled. Then they left.

"NO!" Sephiroth commanded again, as the chocobo began to eat the chairs. "YOU CAN'T EAT MY FACTORY!!" Just then, the chocobo barged out of the door. The building began to rattle as Sephiroth ran out of it. And minutes later, it collapsed. "DANG CHOCOBO!!!"

The next day, Sephiroth was dressed in his same cloak holding the same basket. He walked up to AVALANCHE HQ. And knocked on the door.

"Hello?" Tifa asked, as she opened the door.

Sephiroth chuckled, "Would you like to buy something from Sephiroth's _Travelling_ Cosmetic Inc.?"

THE END

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